4. Authenticity’s view from the Window of Openness
Aunt JD here Bud to explore with you about perception and the Window of Openness. Perception is a tough one, because although we all seem to think we’re seeing reality as it is, we have mostly been trained to add some “extra sauce” meanings to reality without realizing it. I want you to know I perceive you as being a delightful combo of creativity, curiosity, and compassion. All amazing Essence qualities coming from inside of you and that you do uniquely your way. Nobody else does them like you do. Remember that. It’s what makes you special.
In our previous exploration we touched on the Window of Openness and how we can use it visually as a map to help us know when we’re in a body/mind state of authenticity or in our guarded state of trying too hard to be authentic. Realize this Sweet Bud, when we’re outside the Window of Openness we see through a perception of either/ors instead of Both/ands. Either/ors are a defensives strategy to narrow down the possible choices to either good ones or bad ones so we can feel less anxiety about having too many options.
Today’s Question:
How does the Window of Openness affect our perception?
We have Protector defensive strategies inside of us that learned to limit our experiences as the way to try to limit our anxieties about doing things wrong or being the wrong one, who isn’t worthy of approval. For example, I’m good if good things happen to me or I’m bad if bad things happen to me are some powerlessness beliefs trained into most of us from our FOOs (FamFam of Origins). Can you feel the pressure of such a limited version of the truth? Our bodies tighten up in either/ors to such an extent that our bodies can’t function at our optimal level while in them.
The Winter Olympics were just on and I watched so many athletes who have trained for years to achieve their goals succumb to the pressure and stress of seeing their experience through either/ors. Their bodies tightened under the stress of I’m nothing if I’m not perfect. Did you know it’s impossible to be perfect if you’re trying to be perfect? Perfectionism is a defensive strategy to try and find the one right way to do something.
The powerlessness fear driving Perfection is: if it’s not perfect then I’m a failure. I did it wrong. Powerlessness fears knock us out of our Window of Openness and into our revved up or shut down dysregulation modes. The body can’t function at it’s optimal level in these dysregulated zones. Think of it as our cells are trying to function under a pseudo-truth system of either/ors. When fear is running our cells a lot of dysfunction happens at the cellular level. Free Dance skaters miss their jumps. Basketball players choke on free throws. Football players lose connection to their intuition and instincts in dysregulated zones and have lapses in judgment causing them to make mistakes they can’t even believe they made.
We only have connection to our Essence qualities, including and especially the truth inside of us, when we’re in the Window of Openness. The truth is in the both/ands. Let’s say I’m skiing for Olympic gold AND I’m worthy of love and respect no matter the outcome. Both/ands separate the sense of self from what’s happening to us. Instead of trying to control all the variables I have no control over like how well I perform, I focus on creating my performance from my Essence. This gives me something active to move toward instead of trying to make sure something bad doesn’t happen. This frees up the body and mind to create an experience instead of try to control an experience. I can focus my attention on the process and drop in completely to creating the experience within the process so that worrying about how well I’m doing is no where in my experience. The outcome is something we experience when we get to the outcome, not now, during the process.
Being able to notice your either/or perception allows you to catch that you’re not in your Window of Openness. Shifting your perception into both/ands is how you transform your body/mind state right back into your Window of Openness when you’ve automatically shifted out of it. For example, If your caretakers met your exuberance and excitement of wanting to connect in the moment with their either/ors of, either you get what you want, to celebrate what’s currently happening OR I get what I want, which is to get out of the house and get to our appointment on time. You may have stored an automatic either/or about your current moment excitement in your unconscious memory that you have to get work done before you can celebrate and savor what’s happening in the moment. To transform this into a both/and in your unconscious memory banks we would need to validate the training compared to what the truth is. By the way if your parents did crush your enthusiasm by meeting it with an either/or, it indicated the same thing happened to them when they were kiddos. Dang Dangey Dang. How far back did this either/or get passed down through your family tree?! Just didn’t want you to get pulled into the either/or of blame and judgment which are stuck in the who’s right or who’s wrong/who’s good or who’s bad perception.
That’s another thing, either/ors keep us stuck because they are a way of evaluating what’s happening that is stuck in either end of the extremes. Either/ors don’t require any creativity which is what is absolutely needed to cultivate movement when things are stuck. Both/and perception actives your creative mind and body while either/ors invoke your reactive mind and body. Wherever your body and mind are, as we’ve seen on the Window of Openness graphic, changes your perception of yourself and of what’s happening. Such a big awareness for each of us to integrate into ourselves!
Validation: Yes we were trained to believe that our excitement and creative exuberance will be met with rigid rules of either/or. Either we get what we want or they get what they want but it can’t be both.
Notice how your body responds to this Validation. Take the time to really check in with your body. Remember your body state influences your mind state and vis versa. You’re looking for an openness of resonance with the truth, a tightening of questioning old beliefs, or a feeling of sadness, fear, or anger about what happened in the first place to knock you out of your beautiful and effective Essence qualities.
Validating Truth: The truth about us is, we can both celebrate our current moment experience AND get to our appointments on time.
Notice how your body responds to hearing you speak the truth so clearly. Both/ands relax our insides because it reminds us we have choice and that we have resources inside that we can rely on (our boatload of Essence qualities).
If you tighten up take a moment to speak this Simple Truth to your tightness: I’m realizing we’ve been limiting our choices to either/ors to simplify our choices so we have less chance of doing it wrong. Notice how your body responds. Really notice. It’s never wasted time noticing how your body responds because it’s one of the tools that shifts you from dysregulation back into the Window of Openness.
Wow my dear sweet friend! We’ve covered a lot of internal ground today about what’s going on inside of you that you may never had thought about before. This Window of Openness graphic can really help you navigate your internal world when things get messy. Practice your skills of becoming more internally connected by checking in with your own insides on a regular basis. Set a reminder. Put up the sticky notes. Come up with a mantra. Do something different to interrupt your pattern of doing the same. Or Not. It is your authenticity we’re uncovering here.
Next time let’s swim into the deep end of either/or and both/and body/mind states and how these states reveal if we’re perceiving a threat to our sense of self like not good enough or being unworthy of being included. I told you there’s a lot going on inside of you that can keep you from being authentic.
