Everyday Transformation Generators

Defensive strategy: Minimizing feelings

I don’t care!

Essence quality: Transform: Simple Truth

I’m realizing I do care and yet I try to shut down my feelings so I don’t feel so vulnerable. I forget I can transform my vulnerabilities back into my Essence.

Defensive strategy: Minimizing feelings

I said I was sorry! Why do you keep bringing up the past?! When are you going to move on?

Essence quality: Regulate emotions and nervous system

Simple Truth: Your feelings are valid. I know I made some fear-based choices in the past and we’re both learning to trust my ability to make choices now. 

Defensive strategy: Maximizing feelings

You never try to understand my feelings! You always disregard my experience! You don’t care about anything but yourself!

Essence quality:Validation

Simple Truth: Your feelings matter to me. When they get bigger than I let mine get I can get overwhelmed and want to run away. I’m realizing we’ve both been trained to deal with our feelings differently than the other. That can make us untrusting of how each other conveys their feelings.

Defensive strategy: Maximizing feelings

(First thing you say when your partner tells you they lost their job.) “What am I going to do? I now have to be the sole provider!”

Essence quality: Validation 

(To Self) I’m realizing we lose our connection to our empathy for others when our feelings blow up and we don’t remember to regulate them right back into settled.

Defensive strategy: Being cynical

I’m not capable of greatness like I see others doing.

Essence quality: Self-Trust

Simple Truth: My fear-based version has a hard time learning new things AND my Essencey version learns and grows from my inherent moment-to-moment creativity and curiosity.

Defensive strategy: Being cynical

People don’t really care about anything but themselves.

Essence quality: Compassion

Simple Truth: The only reason people shut down their caring is due to their own powerlessness beliefs and fears. It can feel very vulnerable to care when others aren’t. It’s time to infuse my compassion with some power!

Defensive strategy: Splitting

I love you when you make me feel comfortable. I hate you when you make me uncomfortable.

Essence quality: Inner Truth

Simple Truth: I’m interested in learning how to transform my uncomfortableness myself so I don’t need others to make me comfortable. I want to be loving of other people’s fears. 

Defensive strategy: Splitting

I love you when you see things and believe things the same way I do. I hate you and you can’t be trusted when you see things and believe things differently than me. 

Essence quality: Both/And

Simple Truth: I love you when you believe like me AND I’m learning to soothe my fears about you believing and perceiving differently than me so we can both be authentic.

Defensive strategy: Confusing

I would never say anything like that! (When you did during the heat of an argument.)

Essence quality: Forgiveness

Simple Truth: When I’m in my own powerlessness beliefs I can justify doing harm because I’m convincing myself I’m the victim here.

Defensive strategy: Confusing

Well, you did this 6 months ago! And two years ago you called me a horrible person. Just yesterday you said you would take out the trash and you see it there don’t you!

Essence quality: Clarifying

Simple Truth: When I get afraid that you’re seeing me as wrong or a bad person, my mind starts bringing up to me all the ways you’re wrong or a bad person. I want to stay focused on your wrongness and you want to stay focused on my wrongness. 

Defensive strategy: Cold-hearting

I’m not going to give you my affection right now because I want you to know you did something wrong.

Essence quality: Mindfulness

Simple Truth: I’m realizing I’m cutting off my caring for you right now because I’ve been taught that cutting off my caring makes me feel less vulnerable right when I’m actually feeling vulnerable.

Defensive strategy: Cold-hearting

Leave me alone! Can’t you tell I’m stressed! Geez! Who doesn’t have any empathy now!

Essence quality: Courage: Simple Truth

I’m scared to tell you this but when I get stressed I’m noticing I can’t think about anyone else’s experience but my own. I’d like to teach myself to be with my stress differently so it doesn’t consume me.

Defensive strategy: Disengaging

I will not talk to you about this until you can come to your senses!

Essence quality: Revealing: Simple Truth

I know we both want to be heard and understood. I know when I’m stuck trying to be right my mind is seeing things through either/ors instead of both/ands. 

Defensive strategy: Disengaging

(stopping participating and leaving things incomplete)

Essence quality: Engaging: Simple Truth

Let’s step out of making each other right or wrong and focus on a way we both can get what we want here? 

Defensive strategy: Dreading

I can’t wait until this is over. I can’t relax until it’s over.

Essence quality: Presence: Simple Truth

All I need to do is show up, connect to my Essence qualities inside and let them flow through me.

Defensive strategy: Dreading

(It’s Sunday night and you’re dreading going to work tomorrow because of the fear of how you’re being perceived or of the unknowns you’ll face.)

Essence quality: Comfort

Simple Truth: I know we were taught to be afraid of unknowns instead of recognizing them as a moment to get to use our amazing Essence qualities in action.

Defensive strategy: Self-righteous-ing

I told you so! (Whether we say it out loud or not.)

Essence quality: Validation

Simple Truth: Shoot Bud, you didn’t get the results you wanted there at all. What will you do differently to get the results you want?

Defensive strategy: Self-righteous-ing

My beliefs (political, religious, medical, justice, or educational) are better than yours.

Essence quality: Validation 

Simple Truth: Yes we were trained to feel superior by comparing ourselves with others instead of feeling our value from our unique use of our Essencey resources inside. 

Defensive strategy: Cheating 

If no one saw it, it didn’t happen. What happens in Vegas…

Essence quality: Integrity 

Simple Truth: I like the empowered feeling I feel inside when I do what I say I’m going to do and I don’t do what I say I’m not going to do.

Defensive strategy: Cheating 

This is the only way I can get my needs met.

Essence quality: Wisdom 

Simple Truth: I want to use my internal wisdom to get my needs met and feel the worthiness of my needs and not transact for my need to feel value from others. 

Defensive strategy: Justifying 

I had to do it or someone else would. You made me do this. You can’t be trusted to make your own choices.

Essence quality: Kindness 

Simple Truth: I choose to be kind as the way to change hearts and minds, especially when others can’t be kind. Kindness gets certain results and justifying my retaliations gets certain results. Which do I want?

Defensive strategy: Justifying

I’m the victim here so I deserve to retaliate by any means necessary even if that means acting outside my core values.

Essence quality: I’m realizing the powerlessness fear of not trusting our Essence qualities to do the job drives justifications.

Defensive strategy: Deadening 

I can’t experience joy right now because this or that or the other is happening.

Essence quality: Aliveness 

Simple Truth: This thing that I don’t want is happening. How do I face it from my Essence?

Defensive strategy: Deadening

Don’t think about it. Let’s think about something else. It is what it is.

Essence quality: Completion

I’m putting together how we could complete the feeling cycle we’re currently having by stepping next to our feelings and observing them trigger, flourish, and settle, so our feelings make clear what we want to create. (Instead of avoid)

Defensive strategy: Detaching 

It’s not my problem, it’s your issue.

Essence quality: Facing 

Simple Truth: I’m realizing I can require self-reflection in others by validating their need or want. (That’s happening underneath the problem.)

Defensive strategy: Detaching

I’m not going to “try on” anything other than what I currently believe because it makes me feel uncomfortable inside.

Essence quality: Conviction

I’m integrating that when I detach from what I don’t want, I lose my connection with my conviction about creating what I do want.

Defensive strategy: Back-stabbing 

I know right, she is such a selfish bitch! Let’s not ask her over.

Essence quality: Authenticity 

Simple Truth: I’m realizing I like to show my friendship to others by validating them without making others wrong.

Defensive strategy: Back-stabbing

(I’m going to show interest in you and ask you questions about yourself so I can use these things against you with others. You’re a sucker for trusting me.)

Essence quality: Discernment

I’m realizing I enjoy using my skills to discern the truth from my own and other people’s who’s-right-or-who’s-wrong drama. I’m remembering the times that I caused drama before I expanded my own awareness. This gives me compassion for those still stuck in their fears that cause drama they won’t take responsibility for. 

Defensive strategy: Closed-Mindedness 

You believe differently than me so you are being deceived. I know the facts!

Essence quality: Openness 

Simple Truth: I’m putting together how I don’t feel relaxed inside when I’m closed-minded. My powerlessness fears are convincing me there is only one right way and I have it.

Defensive strategy: Closed-Mindedness

(Listening only for how someone is wrong)

Essence quality: Compassion

(Listening for how to understand the powerlessness fears that are causing others to harm each other so I can validate the unmet need.) Maybe you’ve learned that the only way to be right is by making others wrong. I wonder how rightness differs from the truth here?

Defensive strategy: Contracting 

I have to limit myself or others in order to feel in control and not vulnerable to threats.

Essence quality: Expanding: Simple Truth 

I’m noticing I’m not creating what I want in the moment when I contract and control. I’m stuck in either/ors and right-or-wrong perspective taking which knocks me out of my Essence qualities.

Defensive strategy: Contracting

Contracting into protection mode is the only way to feel safe from attacks by others.

Essence quality: Truth-ing

I’m connecting the dots here that tapping into my inner truth, that doesn’t need to make anyone or anything right or wrong, allows myself and others to feel safe to show up authentically.

Defensive strategy: Stubbornness 

I refuse to admit I’m ever wrong because I’m usually right.

Essence quality: Flexibility 

Simple Truth: I’m integrating how much I hate it when other’s rightness makes me feel wrong, so I’m pushing away the people I want to connect with when I try to be right.

Defensive strategy: Stubbornness

(Being right is the way to feel powerful)

Essence quality: Power

I’m realizing my inherent truth and goodness of my Essencey resources inside feel much more powerful than being right. I also notice people want to be around me more when I’m speaking truth instead of trying to be right. Being right is a very lonely place.

Defensive strategy: Dissociating 

It’s not safe for me to show up and be fully me here so I need to freeze my goodness so it can’t be harmed.

Essence quality: Power

Simple Truth: I’d like to teach myself how to feel powerful inside right when other’s defensive strategies are attempting to take my power away.

Defensive strategy: Dissociating

(Disconnecting my mind from my body by intellectualizing or constantly thinking or worrying.)

Essence quality: Embodiment

I’m learning to honor my body’s intelligence by having my mind notice how my body responds to what I or someone else is expressing. If my body is calm, supercool. If my body is bracing, tense, or tightening, I validate that I’m afraid and get curious about what powerlessness belief might have been activated within me.

Defensive strategy: Disapproving

Why would you do it like that?! Why didn’t you say it this way?!

Essence quality: Understanding

Simple Truth: Oh my goodness Bud, seems like you’re trying to figure out how to trust your choices. What are you learning?

Defensive strategy: Disapproving

(Giving others the look)

Essence quality: Validation

I’m realizing our disapproval activates others defensive strategies and not their Essence so we get to battle with their defensive strategies when we give the look. I’m remembering we felt defensive as a child when our caretakers gave us the look.

Defensive strategy: Resenting

They shouldn’t have treated me that way. I am never going to talk to them again.

Essence quality: Repairing

Simple Truth: I’m realizing they weren’t in touch with their Essence when they did that and contracting into resentment is a pseudo-power and not me in Essence.

Defensive strategy: Resenting

Nobody ever appreciates me the way I need to be appreciated! They just take and take and take.

Essence quality: Asserting

I’m realizing resentments disconnect me from my Essence qualities inside. I can get clear within myself whether I want to do this thing as an action from my Essence or to feel value by transacting for my value by gleaning appreciations from others.

Defensive strategy: Giving up

I can’t. It’s too hard. You’re better at this than I am, will you do it?

Essence quality: Ingenuity

That didn’t work the way I thought it would, what could I learn so I can figure this out from my inherent creativity?!

Defensive strategy: Giving up

Why can’t things just be easy for once. If I had what it takes things would happen easily for me.

Essence quality: Confidence

I’m realizing the only reason I feel like giving up is because of my powerlessness fears that I’m not good enough. These fears are not the truth about me. They are how I was treated as a child by my caretaker’s defensive strategies.

Defensive strategy: Constricting

Tightening up, bracing, and limiting ourselves are the only way to stay safe.

Essence quality: Expanding

I’m realizing we need to teach ourselves how to feel safe, free from perceived threats, because we constrict when we perceive threats. To transform our perceived threats, we can validate the training we received from our parent’s defensive strategies and how their defensive strategies definitely could not see the truth about us.

Defensive strategy: Constricting

I can’t feel joy right now while the world is going to squat!

Essence quality: Equanimity 

I’m realizing teaching myself how to balance my mind and body during good times and bad times allows me access to my abundant Essence quality resources inside. I’m realizing I feel safer in this crazy world of people making fear-based choices when I’m feeling resources inside instead of stressed.

Defensive strategy: Being Curt

I don’t want to hear it. Shut up. Fine! Whatever…

Essence quality: Equality 

Instead of demanding or waiting for equality I can assert for it. It sounds like you want me to change so you don’t have to. Let’s both figure out what we can do differently to work this out.

Defensive strategy: Being Curt

(Having a tone in your voice and using fewer words than are necessary for the moment.)

Essence quality: Facilitating

I’m realizing I feel better, more powerful and creative, about myself and my conflicts when I creatively resolve them instead of justifying my defensive strategies.

Defensive strategy: Hoarding

I have to hold onto things because there’s never enough of what I need available.

Essence quality: Abundance

I’m realizing we only see a lack of resources externally when we can’t feel our Essence resources internally.

Defensive strategy: Hoarding

(Consider how we hoard attention, energy, time, love, or any other resources)

Essence quality:

I’m realizing when we feel a compulsion to hoard it’s because we are afraid of making a mistake or doing it wrong. I’d like to teach us how to make mistakes without it meaning our sense of self is wrong—unworthy, unloved, or unwanted.

Defensive strategy: Harshness

You got what you deserved! When are you ever going to learn!

Essence quality: Compassionately requiring Self-reflection

Whoooowie my friend, getting those results is brutal. I wish you didn’t have to experience that. What did you learn? 

Defensive strategy: Harshness

How could they be so stupid!!! People don’t think. They have no discipline. They’re such losers.

Essence quality: Curiosity

I wonder if there is ever a time when people act in stupid ways that isn’t driven by their own trained-in fears?

Defensive strategy: Settling

It’s too scary to be alone. I have to stay in this relationship because I would never forgive myself if I made the wrong choice.

Essence quality: Courage

I am afraid to be alone AND I can face my fears by tapping into my inner courage so I can trust my choices that emerge from my inner truth.

Defensive strategy: Settling

If I show up fully in my Essence I could get rejected or abandoned so I will phone myself in.

Essence quality: Validating

I know our Essence often got rejected/abandoned by our parents defensive strategies because their defensive strategies could not see us through their own fears.

Defensive strategy: Numbing

(Doom scrolling for hours instead of doing what I said I wanted to do.)

Essence quality: Engaging

I’m realizing I miss getting to feel my Essence qualities like my integrity, discipline, power, determination, and resilience when I avoid doing hard things.

Defensive strategy: Numbing

(Eating, drinking, gambling or pursuing something beyond what I know is balanced and in my control.)

Essence quality: Balancing

I’m realizing every choice I make to go for “more” instead of what I told myself was what I wanted to do, is driven by my fears and the defensive strategies that try to keep me out of my fears.

Defensive strategy: Entitlement

(In order to feel my value I have to experience more value than others.)

Essence quality: Supporting 

I’m realizing the value I feel from lifting myself AND others up is satisfying and fulfilling while needing to feel special while taking from others feels limiting and not very creative.

Defensive strategy: Entitlement

People must really like what I have to say because they are just listening to me talk.

Essence quality: Wonder

I wonder how I could express myself from my authentic Essence instead of the part of me that’s split between feeling unworthy of attention and demanding attention? What would I want others to know about my Essence?

Defensive strategy: Hindering

I need to get this person to stop making me so uncomfortable inside. I’m not going to validate their experience because they are not validating mine.

Essence quality: Revealing

Validations transform uncomfortableness inside of me back into my authenticity because what makes me uncomfortable is my own fears, not what they are doing “to me.”

Defensive strategy: Hindering 

You can’t do that!

Essence quality: Personal Power

I know you want to feel your power to make your own choices. Is there a way you can do that that works for all of us instead of just you?

Defensive strategy: Lack of Appreciation

I can’t appreciate you until you do something right!

Essence quality: Appreciation

I know Appreciations transform stuckness while criticisms invoke stuckness.

Defensive strategy: Lack of Appreciation

Inner Critic: Why do we keep giving so much to others when they don’t appreciate us back!

Essence quality: Appreciation

I’m choosing this action to help myself AND others to experience the goodness of my generosity, thoughtfulness, and kindness, not to get anything in return. (If we notice that someone is not reciprocating consistently we can express that to them compassionately or move on.)

Defensive strategy: Disconnecting

(If anyone gets too close to me they will see that I am flawed, so I have to keep others at arm’s length.

 Essence quality: Connecting

I can connect more deeply with myself when I transform my powerlessness fears and their defensive strategies by validating the difference between the training we received and the truth about us. (Validation Yes we were trained to believe that we are flawed because we misinterpreted our parent’s defensive strategies as the truth. Notice how your inner body responds.)

Defensive strategy: Disconnecting

(Talking without checking in with your inner body state can leave you not realizing you’re talking from a Defensive strategy instead of Essence. This is disconnected expression.) 

Essence quality: Attunement

How can I take a moment to tap into my inner loving presence so I can feel my love internally emerging and then say I love you from the openness and warmth I feel inside?

Defensive strategy: Abusing

(Acting out my Fighty anger before I have transformed it into authentic anger.)

Essence quality: Transformation

I’m realizing my fighty anger needs to make someone or something wrong and my authentic anger expresses Simple Truths without the wrongness or rightness needed. Simple Truth I’m putting together how humans only abuse each other when they are afraid (feeling not good enough, or uncared about) and don’t know it. 

Defensive strategy: Abusing

(Convincing myself that I have to do harm because harm was done to me.)

Essence quality: Adaptability

Since harm requires defensive strategies to flare up instead of self-reflection, I am going against my own desire for the other person to self-reflect.

Defensive strategy: Interfering 

(I have to insert my opinion here or I won’t be heard and respected.)

Essence quality: Value 

I’m realizing my value comes from my experience and expression of my Essence qualities and not my opinions about events and facts.

Defensive strategy: Interfering

(Why can’t others see the right thing to do like I can?! I should point out the right thing to do. Offering solutions without validating the current experience.) 

Essence quality: Trust 

I’m connecting the dots how I can draw forward other’s Essence with my Essence (Compassion for current experience) and I can require others Essence to retreat inward if I use defensive strategies (opinions). 

Defensive strategy: Hiding 

(I need to stay small or invisible to be loved.)

Essence quality: Spaciousness

I’m putting together how I was trained to link being loved with playing smaller than I want to be. I’d like to teach us (present moment you and all the past versions of you that live inside of you) how to take up the space that we want to take up and know we’re loved at the same time.

Defensive strategy: Hiding 

I can only be my true self when I’m alone so I never get to relax completely around other people.

Essence quality: Dignifying

I’m realizing our Essence wasn’t validated so we haven’t known how to give it a valuable distinction. Our People Pleaser kicks in for social situations and drains us of our aliveness instead of generating our aliveness.

Defensive strategy: Shaming

No child, partner, family member, or group member of mine is going to act this way. (Severe disapproving to change behavior.)

Essence quality: Empowering

I’m integrating how shaming changes behavior immediately but leaves a lasting mark of powerlessness in myself and others. Defensive and reactive learning happens which will cause more stuckness in the future. If I invoke empowerment when myself or others make mistakes creative learning happens. Transformation happens!

Defensive strategy: Shaming

You shouldn’t have done that! You should have done this! (Imposes solutions from outside of us instead of inside of us.)

Essence quality: Accountability

I can see how you’re trying to do things differently and I appreciate the effort. Seems like you made a choice there that didn’t get you the results you wanted. What choice can still get you the results you want?

Defensive strategy: Pragmatism

(Showing caring by teaching the steps for a solution without conveying the softened feelings of caring.)

Essence quality: Evoking

You’re willingness, boldness, vulnerability and resilience are inspiring to all of us! Let’s figure this out together!

Defensive strategy: Pragmatism

Why don’t you just end it then?! Why don’t you just stop?!

Essence quality: Joining

As I tune into you I can tell you’re stuck between what you want to do and what you tell yourself you should do which causes you to make choices to try to get away from your overwhelming feelings by doing your go-to addiction.

Defensive strategy: Self-Conceit

(Your mind only showing you how you’re better than others so you don’t feel the not-good-enough that’s inside haunting you.)

Essence quality: Reframing

I’m realizing we can transform our not-good-enough by validating the difference between the training we received from our caretaker’s defensive strategies and the truth about us. WE can then feel our value from our Essencey resources inside and not from comparisons with others. 

Defensive strategy: Self-Conceit

(Your mind limiting your self-reflection to limit the feelings of vulnerability and intense discomfort inside.)

Essence quality: Humility

I’m realizing we were taught that self-reflection was dangerous and trying to be right about everything was safe. I’d like to teach us how to transform our vulnerability back into our empowered and authentic self. Validation Yes we were trained to believe that the way to feel good about ourselves was to be superior instead being of our Essence.

Defensive strategy: Being grandiose

I need to see myself as only good and prevent any feelings of feeling weak or less than or I won’t get the supply of energy I need from outside of me to know for sure that who I am is good.

Essence quality: Humbleness

I’m realizing inflating my self importance is directly related to how fearful I am that I am not important to anyone. I’d like to teach us to enjoy our Essencey resources inside instead of our being better than everyone else.

Defensive strategy: Being grandiose

(My mind only shows me the good things I do and not the harmful or inconsiderate things I do to keep me from feeling the shame of not mattering or feeling worthy that already resides inside of me.)

Essence quality: Self-Reflection

I’m realizing we learned to get our needs met by getting others to see our worth instead of feeling the unique value we have to offer the world FROM our Essence qualities inside, like empathy. I’m putting together how people get to see our inherent goodness when we convey empathy to others.

Defensive strategy: Over-Seriousness

(I can’t laugh at the unnecessary drama that my defensive strategies cause because I’m identified with my defensive strategies of People Pleaser, Protector, or Punisher.)

Essence quality: Playfulness

I’m integrating how to know the difference between my Essence qualities and my fear and defensive strategies allows me to dis-identify with my defensive strategies instead of defending them.

Defensive strategy: Over-Seriousness 

This problem needs to be solved with effort, logic, and analysis.

Essence quality: Assiduousness

This problem can be faced with great care, attention, and presence so I can feel my creative Essence qualities surprising me with solutions I can never think of when I’m too serious.

Defensive strategy: Enmeshing 

I have to do what my partner/boss wants or they will reject or abandon me.

Essence quality: Individuating

I’m realizing I can be myself and be loved. I’m putting together how our parent’s defensive strategies confused us about whether we can be loved being our whole selves.

Defensive strategy: Enmeshing

I can’t say what I want because I get too uncomfortable thinking they won’t like my choice.

Essence quality: Autonomy

I’d like to teach us (present moment me and all the past versions of me that were trained a certain way), how to enjoy making our choices by learning to listen to our inner truth instead of our abandonment fears.

Defensive strategy: Confounding

(When someone asks me to change my behavior, I perceive it as an attack on my character and start to bring up all the things they’ve ever done wrong so they start talking about that instead of me.)

Essence quality: Non-Attachment

I’m realizing I’m not my Defensive strategies so I can own them and offer more Essencey possibilities for the future to change me defensive behavior, especially if I want others to do the same. 

Defensive strategy: Confounding 

(Instead of just expressing a feeling like sadness, fear, or anger, I add the word “that.” I feel that you are being passive aggressive and then claim you’re not listening to my feelings!)

Essence quality: Taking Responsibility 

I’m realizing I can take responsibility for my own feelings instead of making my feelings the victim of what someone else “made me feel.” Nothing and no one can make me feel anything. It is the meanings I give to what’s happening that activates my feelings.

Defensive strategy: Collapsing 

I never get what I want easily. I just want to crawl into bed and hide.

Essence quality: Facing

I’m learning that I can teach myself to face hard things by first validating my collapsing energy as automatic and teaching my collapsing energy how to face what we don’t want from Essence so we can transform it instead of suffer from it.

Defensive strategy: Collapsing 

I’m overwhelmed because I have to work and do school and keep everybody happy.

Essence quality: Simplifying 

I’m realizing I can go inside and stand right next to my overwhelm and comfort and soothe it by validating how hard things are sometimes. Once I’ve settled my fears inside, I notice my mind can see things more simply.

Defensive strategy: Repeating 

(I don’t notice my own stuck repeating patterns of defensive strategies but I sure can notice and comment on everybody else’s!)

Essence quality: Noticing

I’m noticing that what I don’t notice about myself causes me to get stuck in deadening repeating patterns that destroy my love, kindness, flexibility, and creative solutions. Noticing my own defensive strategies and the fears that drive them helps me get unstuck in ways I never imagined possible before. 

Defensive strategy: Repeating

I’m so tired of this! If this doesn’t change I’m going to lose my mind! I can’t stand it any longer.

Essence quality: Self-Compassion

I’m connecting the dots about how my fighty anger and fighty frustration don’t transform the situation at all. I’m realizing when I get frustrated I need to hear a kind voice inside guiding me through the fighty-ness and back into my Essence qualities where I can remember I want to feel my power to transform situations instead of suffer from them.

Defensive strategy: Belittling

What is wrong with you?! Why do you have to be so pathetic and helpless?! So and so got a job but you can’t! Do something about it!

Essence quality: Validating

I know you tend to beat yourself up until you feel powerless to change the situation my friend, so you don’t need me piling it on. You’re going to need to develop some new skills from the inside out to feel more powerful and confident about your value and what you have to share. I want you to know I see the good in you. Are you willing to develop some skills?

Defensive strategy: Belittling 

How do all these people on Social Media feel so confident? I could never put myself out there like that. I don’t have anything special to say to the world.

Essence quality: Illuminating

I’m realizing my fears about myself as not being capable knock me out of my connection with my Essence qualities that allow me to feel capable. My Essence qualities allow me to feel resourced and ready for any moment. My fears erupt when I can’t feel my resources inside.

Defensive strategy: Assuming

Why should I listen to you when I already know what you’re going to say!!!

Essence quality: Creative Listening

I’m putting together how my assumptions don’t allow me to see anything new that’s happening so I miss the slim windows of potential transformation. If I listen to make someone wrong I’m as stuck in my defensive strategies as I’m trying to accuse them of. If I listen to validate the need or the feeling, I get to feel the power of compassion to transform another from stuck back into their Essence. It’s their Essence that I want when I make assumptions about their non-Essence.

Defensive strategy: Assuming 

You always get passive aggressive. So why would I tell you something if I know how you’re going to react?!

Essence quality: Pausing

Let me take a moment and calm my fears that the same thing is going to happen again. I notice when I go inside and stand right next to my fears that things are going to stay stuck. When I’m understanding toward my fears they trigger, flourish, and settle in seconds. Then I can see something new or do something new that my anxiety and fears cannot never imagine me doing. 

Defensive strategy: Externalizing 

(The only way to know who I am is by noting how other people and life in general treat me. I’m good when people treat me as good and I’m bad when bad things happen to me.)

Essence quality: Internalizing

I’m integrating that my Essence qualities are my inherent goodness. I feel like doing good in the world when I’m connected to these transformative resources inside of me. My value comes from within instead of without.

Defensive strategy: Externalizing 

I just need a break here. If I could get a break in this world, I could get back on track.

Essence quality: Taking Responsibility 

I’m realizing I feel insecure when I project my fears of being rejected onto others. I see others as dangerous and start treating them that way. I’m realizing others are rejecting my projections onto them and not me.

Defensive strategy: Guilting

Well you can do that but then I won’t be able to do this thing I want to do.

Essence quality: Credibility

I’m connecting the dots about how I lose my self-credibility when I give into manipulating to get what I want instead of creating to get what I want. I notice my creativity bursts out of me when I contemplate: You want to do that. I want to do this. How can we both get what we want? My guilting is not creative at all so I don’t get to feel good about it.

Defensive strategy: Guilting

If I don’t do this I’m going to feel shitty about myself.

Essence quality: Deepening

I’m noticing I can motivate myself to do things from guilt or from my own enjoyment of getting to be in and use my Essence qualities to do this. How would my Essence motivate me right now?

Defensive strategy: Being Unreasonable 

Blah, Blah, Blah, I’m not listening to you anymore because you just keep talking and not making any sense.

Essence quality: Adaptability 

I’m realizing when I use a defensive strategy nothing new happens. When I use an Essence quality, because I shifted, the other person was required to make a shift too and things started to get unstuck.

Defensive strategy: Being Unreasonable

(I’m going to take this action because I’m mad and when I’m mad this is just what I do.)

Essence quality: Equanimity 

When I take a moment to notice what I’m doing and whether it’s from Essence or a defensive strategy, my mind and body come into balance and I like who I am and how I handle things in this state much better than when I have to apologize for my assholery.

Defensive strategy: Biasing 

How come other people are so closed minded and prejudiced! I can’t understand it.

Essence quality: Developing

I miss opportunities to develop my authenticity when I see other’s biases without reflecting on my own. Our biases are hidden from us until we get curious about them. (Just like others.)

Defensive strategy: Biasing

(I’m adamant about this and my being adamant shows me that I am right.)

Essence quality: Honesty

I’m realizing being adamant is often a defensive strategy if it has extra rigid energy in it. My Essence qualities are flexibly powerful and my defensive strategies are rigidly powerful.

Defensive strategy: Intimidating

You will do this because I said so! 

Essence quality: Collaborating

Both of our creativities put together can come up with ideas that work for all of us. I’m realizing if I motivate others through fear, they will do what I want but resent it and act out about it.

Defensive strategy: Intimidating 

If you don’t do this there will be serious repercussions.

Essence quality: Power-sharing

I’m realizing when I power-over with my unilateral decisions others don’t feel valued for what they have to offer and lose their motivation to do what I want.

Defensive strategy: Breaking Down

(A repeating pattern of not being able to show up for what I say I want to do or experience because of this or that body problem.)

Essence quality: Reconciliation 

I’m connecting how my body can tighten up inside as the way to feel safe and cause all kinds of confusion to my body about how it can function in ease and flow as the way to feel safe. I notice when I attempt to understand my internal tension instead of being afraid of it, it transforms back into ease and flow.

Defensive strategy: Breaking Down

(I’ve learned that if I cry like a victim, people can’t stay mad at me for not doing what I said I would do.)

Essence quality: Daring

I’m noticing I can’t feel my daring venturesome boldness to learn and grow when I play the victim. I miss in those moments the part of me that is scared and still dares to show up.

Defensive strategy: Deceiving

I can’t tell the truth all the time because it would be harmful.

Essence quality: Creativity

I’m realizing my creativity can find the right truth to speak for any occasion without doing harm because my truth functions outside of the who’s-right or-who’s-wrong system.

Defensive strategy: Deceiving

If nobody saw it happen, it didn’t happen.

Essence quality: Devotion

I’m realizing committing to speaking Simple Truths to get what I want generates so much positive energy inside of me for me. Deceiving to get what I want drains me of my vibrant energy. Not just while it’s happening or when I think about it, but all the time until I tell the truth.

Defensive Strategy: Indecisiveness

If I don’t make a choice I can’t be made wrong.

Essence quality: Freedom

I’m putting together how I can transform my fear of being wrong so I can set myself free to thoroughly enjoy my choices. I’m realizing I can separate my sense of self worth, lovability, and value from whether I’m making right or wrong choices. 

Defensive Strategy: Indecisiveness

When I think about the pros I want to do it. When I think about the cons I don’t want to do it. I get stuck and immobilized.

Essence quality: Purifying

I’m realizing our thoughts are often disconnected from the body-felt truth inside of us. I can teach myself how to locate my inner truth by speaking Simple Truths to myself inside, like, we were taught to think our way to the truth instead of put our attention on our inner body as the truth. Notice how your body responds. Noticing how your body responds connects your mind and body opening up the inner pathway to the truth.

Defensive Strategy: Discouraging

You shouldn’t wear that it makes your ass look…

Essence quality: Marveling

The way you move in that outfit lets me know you feel good in it! You moving freely because you’re comfortable in it makes it the perfect choice for you.

Defensive Strategy: Discouraging

You don’t have what it takes so I think you should try something else.

Essence quality: Mentoring

If you are clear that’s what you want let’s get you the skills to meet the expectations. That motivation I can see in you is what matters most here. Your motivation and fortitude as well as all your other Essence qualities will allow you to feel that you’re resourced to do this.

Defensive Strategy: Analyzing 

You didn’t get what you wanted because you jumped to conclusions again like you always do.

Essence quality: Validating 

I know you’re disappointed about not getting what you wanted. I so wished that would’ve worked out for you. Let’s figure out how you can still get what you want. Anything you’ve learned you want to do differently? Any stuck patterns you can see in yourself?

Defensive Strategy: Analyzing

They are being passive-aggressive with Covert Narcissistic tendencies because they need Narcissistic supply on a regular basis.

Essence quality: Empathy

They didn’t get the empathy they needed growing up and so don’t know how to give it—only take it. Self-reflection became the dangerous thing to do and avoiding their own vulnerability at all costs became the safe thing to do.

Defensive Strategy: Being Negative

People never change. The world is a dangerous place. No one really cares about anybody.

Essence quality: Being authentic

I’m realizing people have two versions of themselves inside: their Essence which creates a friendly world we all want to participate in and their defensive strategies acting out or protecting them from their fears, causing a world of harm.

Defensive Strategy: Being Negative

Why should I even try?! Nothing goes my way. I’m such a…

Essence quality: Nourishing

I’m integrating how I wasn’t taught to believe in myself because I wasn’t taught about how many Essence quality nutriments I have inside of me. I’d like to teach us how to tap into our inner Essence truth by speaking Simple Truths to myself instead of seeing myself in a negative light. 

Defensive Strategy: Being moody

(I don’t let myself experience or express my feelings fully so they come out sideways in me as bad or irritable moods.)

Essence quality: Mediating Internally

I’m connecting the dots about how I can regulate my feelings by turning my attention within and sitting right next to my body sensations of feelings. From this perspective I can welcome the feeling and convey my desire to understand it instead of avoid it or act it out. I’m noticing when I do this little internal action, our feelings quickly complete the cycle of trigger, flourish, and settle.

Defensive Strategy: Being moody 

I can’t help it I just need to lash out at people sometimes because they are so inconsiderate and self-focused.

Essence quality: Completion

Since I know my caretakers were inconsiderate and insensitive to my needs, I’m going to be susceptible to others with the same defensive strategies. I’m reminding my little past versions of us inside that we want to have the power of regulating our internal states and not let others defensive strategies determine our internal states. Validation: Yes we were trained to believe that we are not worthy of consideration. Notice our inner response to this. Validating Truth: The truth about us is we are worthy of being considered and regulating our own internal states. Notice how your internal body state responds.

Defensive Strategy: Appropriating

(Everything is mine to make use of as I need it no matter where it comes from.)

Essence quality: Dignifying

I’m realizing I can honor other cultures by validating individual rights to own their cultural byproducts in ways that I may not have the right to use. I get to enjoy dignifying others and what they have created just like I would want them to dignify my unique contributions to my own culture.

Defensive Strategy: Appropriating

You snooze you lose!

Essence quality: Organicity

I’m remembering, at my most foundational level I am inherently good because my Essence qualities inside are inherently good. I enjoy making choices that are good for me AND good for others AND all that share this planet with me.

Defensive Strategy: Disrespecting

You are not worth my time or energy. You are a f**k-up and a loser and you’re trying to take me down with you.

Essence quality: Shifting

I can feel myself wanting to make you wrong really bad right now. I know that’s not my Essence, because my Essence can find a way to express myself that is in alignment with my core value of kindness. I’m realizing I’m frustrated and scared at the choices you’re making. They don’t seem to be in alignment with what you say you want.

Defensive Strategy: Disrespecting

(I’m going to offer you this solution that just floated into my head because the story I’m telling myself is that you’re incapable of coming up with the solution yourself.)

Essence quality: Manifesting

I’m realizing when I offer solutions before I’ve validated my own or others experience, the solution feels invalidating, and I manifest other’s defensive strategies instead of their Essence. I’m choosing to validate to manifest Essence in myself and others.

Defensive Strategy: Obliviousness

What?! It was just a joke! You can’t take a joke.

Essence quality: Resolving

I’m realizing I did my funny thing without checking in with where you’re at. 

Defensive Strategy: Obliviousness

I can’t be racist! I have all kinds of black and brown friends.

Essence quality: Self-Reflection

I know racism is an unconscious bias until we bring it into our conscious awareness. That’s why we can see other people doing it but have trouble seeing our own biases. I choose to get curious about the ways I could be color biased or any other biases because I know that we have some FOO (family of origin) training in our unconscious that we may not be aware of.

Defensive Strategy: Gloominess

(I’m going to leave myself in a low energy state as the way to stay safe from being disappointed again.)

Essence quality: Aliveness

I’m realizing I can transform my fears about being disappointed by validating them and watching them move through, so that my aliveness can fill me with an energy to go for what I want to create in life.

Defensive Strategy: Gloominess

I so want someone to notice that I’m hurting inside but no one ever does.

Essence quality: Tenderness

Simple Truth: I feel you little sweet ones inside. I know we didn’t get some needs met that we definitely needed met. I’m here inside too and I’m learning how to give us the interest and attention to our pain that we didn’t feel worthy of receiving when we were young. Notice how your inner pain responds to being met with tenderness instead of withdrawal or attack.

Defensive Strategy: Bewilderment

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to even know.

Essence quality: Clarity

I’m realizing we can only feel our clarity when we connect to our internal Essencey resources inside by speaking Simple Truth to ourselves and watching how our body responds.

Defensive Strategy: Bewilderment

(I freeze or faint into a mind/body state where I can’t think straight or know what’s true.)

Essence quality: Practicing

I know I’m in an automatic fear alert mode. In fear alert mode I’m afraid if I show any sign of power or autonomy I will be rejected or abandoned. That was what happened to us in our FOO (family of origin) and this is now, where we can guide ourselves through our fears. I’m realizing I can identify as the observing, wise, and compassionate guide inside. I can dis-identify from my past pain by talking to my body sensations of pain as if they were the past versions of me that got our parent’s defense strategies instead of their Essence. I’m integrating how when we bring Essence to a part of us that didn’t receive Essence, our pain transforms. 

Defensive Strategy: Harried-ness

(I can’t deal with anybody else’s problems I’ve got too many of my own right now.)

Essence quality: Tranquility

I’m realizing we’ve been taught to leave our insides dys-regulated and to try and work over the top of our dys-regulation. I’m noticing because we didn’t have a caretaker’s calming and soothing voice to guide us through our feelings, we never learned to locate ourselves right next to our feelings inside, calming and soothing our fears from the inside. I’m integrating how when we identify with our feelings and not our wise and compassionate observing guide inside, we get so lost in our feelings. When we identify with our guide, it feels like someone is home inside to regulate our feelings.

Defensive Strategy: Harried-ness

I can’t stop thinking about my problems. How will I ever solve them if I don’t think about them.

Essence quality: Within-ness

I’m realizing I need to settle my internal body/mind state inside so that when I think about my problems, I see through the lens of my own creativity and curiosity instead of fears of not being good enough or failing.

Defensive Strategy: Fixing It

I have no value if I just listen to someone’s problems; I have to fix it to have value to them.

Essence quality: Wholeness

I’m realizing my value comes from experience and expression of my internal resources inside, my Essence qualities. My Hero/Rescuer/People Pleaser doesn’t know how to feel value from our internal resources, only from transacting for it externally.

Defensive Strategy: Fixing It

I listen for problems.

Essence quality: Listening

I listen to understand myself and others because when we feel understood we drop into Essence. I enjoy interacting with other’s Essence so much more than their problems.

Defensive Strategy: Limiting

I don’t want to try because I will only be disappointed.

Essence quality: Expanding

I’m learning to trust myself to settle my fears internally so I can see myself clearly in my Essence. I’m learning to dis-identify with being small and constricted as safe and expand into my muchness as safe. If I’m disappointed I can validate my disappointment, learn from it, and try something new from what I’ve learned, instead of getting stuck in my powerless disappointment. 

Defensive Strategy: Limiting

(I notice if I limit my own and other’s expressions of emotions then I don’t feel so uncomfortable.)

Essence quality: Welcoming

I’m realizing I can teach myself to welcome my uncomfortableness because I can transform it, instead of avoiding it. I can transform it by teaching myself to watch my feelings inside as body sensations trigger, then flourish, and then settle. When I watch my feelings in this cycle they settle in seconds instead of getting stuck.

Defensive Strategy: Resisting

You don’t get to be the boss of me! I said yes, but I’m not going to do that!

Essence quality: Going With

I’m putting together how when I resist what’s already happening, I’m resisting reality. I can teach myself to go with an uncomfortable energy or an unwanted event by accepting that it’s happening and making a conscious choice to still create what I want. 

Defensive Strategy: Resisting

(I tighten up my body against what I don’t want to be happening.)

Essence quality: Harmonizing 

I notice when I tighten up my body it disconnects me from my Essence qualities inside, like my ability to create harmony from discord. I’d like to teach us how to face this unwanted situation from our creative self instead of our reactive self. Our reactive self gets stuck in reacting and forgets to create what we want.

Defensive Strategy: Shutting Down

(In order to control my feelings so I don’t act them out like my dad, I tighten up my insides and shut off the part of my brain that can sense my body.

Essence quality: Enlivening 

I’m realizing when I shut down my insides to my own feelings, I shut down my aliveness. I would like to teach us to regulate our feelings by observing them and validating them instead of getting pulled right into the middle of them. I’m realizing I can feel more in control while I’m feeling and I can feel more aliveness inside which feels amazing!