3. Turning Within to Discover your Authenticity
Aunt JD here exploring about Authenticity! You know, I want you to know I see you wanting to just relax and be you. You so want to express yourself and take actions that are from the truth of who you are. So I’m writing to you to help you understand your Authenticity better than you ever have before. To do that we’re answering a new question each week or so about Authenticity.
Today’s Question:
How can I better understand what’s going on inside of me so I know for sure I’m being Authentic?
Dan Siegel created something called the Window of Tolerance. I was so inspired by it and used it to understand myself more deeply. I thought it would be of great help to you. I renamed it the Window of Openness because when we’re in it we are open to so many things that we aren’t open to when we’re not in it. Check out the graphic I’ve included of my version of Siegel’s original work. When our mind and our body are in the physical state of the Window of Openness we are open to loving and being loved without guarding ourselves. We’re open to changes that scare us. We’re open to challenges we have to dig deep within ourselves for to be able to achieve them. We’re open to learning new things instead of clinging to our old opinions. And, most importantly, we’re open to connecting with others emotionally.
Take a Look: Notice that Window of Openness is where we are connected to our internal Essence qualities. Also notice that when we’re dysregulated, meaning our nervous system is on alert for perceived, yes perceived, not actual, threats to our sense of self, we are disconnected from our Essence qualities. We are in a guarded state of defensive strategies. These are physiological body/mind states we automatically react into when we get afraid that we’re going to be the wrong one somehow. Wrong as in not good enough, unable to get the love we want, or not mattering to anyone.
This Window of Openness graphic can help you understand how easily you can be knocked out of your authenticity, your connection to your inherent goodness, your Essence qualities. In the Dysregulated Zones, or the Hyperarousal or Hypoarousal zones, we are afraid for one reason and one reason only: Because we can’t feel our connection to our capable and powerful Essence qualities. Without these resources inside, who wouldn’t be afraid. (My book Transform has the full list of over 350 Essence qualities in it. Check it out.)
Notice how when we’re stressed, or challenged, or in conflict, we shift outside of the Window of Openness. We’re only our authentic selves in the Window of Openness
Our Defensive strategies try hard to take the place of our Essence qualities but they are not the real deal and we can feel it on some level. Your defensive strategies will get very different results than your Essence qualities because on an unconscious level we pick up in each other whether we’re in guarded alert modes or in the Window of Openness. If we sense that someone else is in a guarded zone, we’ve been trained by our FOOs (Family of Origins) to automatically go into a guarded mode ourselves.
Contemplate more deeply what I’m saying here. We’ve been taught to unconsciously take ourselves out of our own authenticity, our Window of Openness, our Essence qualities, dependent on how someone else is being in their own mind and body. That’s crazy right?! Our authenticity was trained to be dependent on how other people are treating us or seeing us in order to show up or not. We can transform this back into you knowing how to be authentic no matter how someone else is showing up. Sounds liberating huh? It is! Here’s how to do it.
Transformation from one internal body/mind state to another happens when we feel validated. We’ve all been taught, unknowingly, that if we validate someone’s experience of so-called negative emotions, they will get stuck in those negative emotions. Nothing needs to belabeled as negative. You can simple notice instead that something is happening that we want or we don’t want. Double check this trained in belief about validation though. Is that what really happens? No. When someone sees us, understands us, and validates that we have right to be having the experience we’re having, we shift from one body/mind state to another. We shift from feeling sad, not mattering, and misunderstood into feeling valued, cared about, and approved of. We shift from a dysregulated Hyper- or Hypo- arousal zone back into the Window of Openness. In our Window of Openness we feel capable again because we can feel our inner Essencey resources to face tough stuff, like our resilience, resoluteness, and our purposefulness. From this view, from this Window of Openness, we want to help ourselves and others.
So what do we validate? We validate the training we received versus the truth about us that’s already in us but didn’t get validated in the first place by our FOOs. Let’s say we’ve been trained to be in People Pleaser defensive mode. This is the part of us that has one foot in the Window of Openness and one foot in a dysregulated zone. It’s the part of us that was trained that other people’s experience matters more than our own. It’s the part of us that can’t say no when someone else needs a yes. Our People Pleasers have no inner peace because they know what Essence feels like but they can’t ever relax enough to just be themselves in it because, remember, other people have these needs that we need to meet instead of our own.
Say this Validation and Validating Truth to yourself out loud and notice how your inner body, right there in your chest and belly respond to it.
Validation: Yes we were trained to believe that our experience doesn’t matter as much as everyone else’s.
Notice how your body responds. Does it relax and let go inside hearing the truth? Does it tighten up, to afraid to try something new? Step into being the notice-r of your experience for a moment instead of getting pulled into the experience. This allows your experience to feel less overwhelming as you experience it. Notice how being validated feels to your body.
Validating Truth: The truth about us is, our experience matters, especially when someone else can’t see us from their Window of Openness.
Notice how your inner body responds to this truth. You’re looking for tightness or openness, but not trying to get any certain result.
If you feel tightness, tightness is a sign of some kind of fear in your system. It doesn’t mean the truth isn’t true. It usually means you’re scared of trusting it yet. Speak this Simple Truth directly to your tightness: I feel you tightness. I know you need to learn to trust the truth inside of us as it shows up as openness and free flowing energy in our body instead of how other people perceive us.
Notice how your body responds to you soothing your feelings with Simple Truth. Simple Truths are a great way to regulate your emotional and nervous system back into the Window of Openness whenever you automatically get activated into guarded alert modes.
Use this Window of Openness graphic to notice when you’re in People Pleaser mode throughout the day. It will probably be more than you think it will be. Don’t judge yourself. Validate yourself each time you notice. This validating process starts to generate a calming and soothing Essencey voice inside of you that can bring you back into your authenticity, your most effective and productive you in the Window of Openness.
Next time we’ll talk more about the Window of Openness and how to use it in new ways to get you more of what you want: being in your authenticity and manifesting what you want to attract to you through your authenticity. Aunt JD signing off now Sweet Bud. Remember we’re always connected and we can both feel it when we’re in our Window of Openness. I’ll meet you there.
