11. How to Transform Vulnerability instead of avoiding it

Oh my goodness Sweet Bud have we got a lot to explore together today. Aunt JD here, loving up on your Essence! I know you sometimes feel vulnerable and you hate that feeling. Most people learn to avoid their vulnerability like it’s going to cause Long-Covid. I can only imagine the hoops you jump through on a daily basis to make sure those kinds of feelings never come up. I think we’re all doing this, don’t you? We’re all running around running our daily lives trying desperately to keep each other from doing or saying anything that might activate our feelings of vulnerability. Today’s question will help us all interrupt this impossible habit of trying to control one another’s experiences. 

Today’s Question:

What is vulnerability? Where does it come from and what can we do about it?

Vulnerability can be transformed! And, it’s important that it is transformed because it is a vital part of who you are. Have you ever thought about your vulnerability from a self-compassionate place? Why do we all hate that feeling so much when it emerges inside of us but love it when it emerges inside of someone else for us? 

Simple Truth alert: Vulnerability is your authenticity waiting to happen. Notice how your body responds to this Simple Truth. Does it lighten up inside or do you feel some tightness cause, you know, we’re talking about something uncomfortable like vulnerability. Yikeseyerabilty! 

The only thing we ever feel vulnerable about is our sense of self. Are we worthy if we can’t get someone’s attention when we need it? Are we lovable enough to belong with these other people if we’re fully being ourselves? Do we matter if we’re not perfect? These are all either/or beliefs that were trained-into us in our FOOs (family of origins) by our caretaker’s defensive strategies, not their Essence. Memory Alert: Defensive strategies are trying to be right or trying not to be the wrong one.

Simple Truth: When our caretakers were in Essence they trained-in both/and truth into us AND when they were in their defensive strategies, they trained-in either/or non-truth fears into us. These either/or non-truths show up as our modern day body sensations of vulnerability. Notice how your inner body responds to this both/and. I know it’s a long one but take some time to try it on in your body. You can say the first half out loud and notice how your body responds. Then you can say the second half and notice your body then also if you need to break it up a bit (which is a both/and solution for a too long both/and). Giggle. 

Why is it important for your vulnerability/authenticity to make this distinction for yourself? Because it teaches you a few things. One, how to cultivate a both/and wise and compassionate voice inside of you that can guide you through your moments of vulnerability. And two, it dissolves the link between how you’re being treated/what’s happening to you, from meaning diddly sqautipoo about your sense of self and it’s worthiness and lovability.

Your learning to take some internal actions to build a foundation of your sense of self from your both/and Essence instead of from your either/or fears. In other words when things show up in your life that you never wanted, instead of reacting from a foundation of what does this mean about my worthiness or capability, you bounce into creative action from your foundation of awesomeness, your Essence quality resources inside. For example:

Either/or: Either I have money and friends OR I’m a loser.

Both/and: I’m realizing our defensive strategies get certain results AND our Essence qualities get very different results.

In this example we’re removing any threat to your sense of self by transforming either/or fear-based defensives strategy thinking into both/and Essence quality thinking. Both/ands settle your sense of self fears by reminding you that your fear based either/ors don’t show you the whole picture. Did you know our mind can actually hide parts of reality from us? You can understand how this can happen in either/or thinking. 

In either/or thinking our mind only shows us the extreme ends of two polarities. And, only one end of the polarity is a good end! If we’re in extreme either/or thinking how could our emotions be anything but extreme themselves? That’s right! We have big over-reacting extreme feelings from our own either/or thinking. Ever blamed someone for something automatically and quickly discover you misunderstood the situation. That’s your own either/or thinking. Ever get so angry that someone wasn’t considering your needs that you refused to consider their needs and called them names? That’s either/or thinking. 

Either/or thinking and projecting our powerlessness fears onto one another is what caused us all to feel like our authenticity was vulnerable in the first place. Because having our Essence misinterpreted and misunderstood by our caretaker’s defensive strategies mad us question our Essence. Practice being able to see through either/or thinking compassionately for yourself and others by recognizing how we’re all afraid of being seen through these extremes. It was unconsciously and unintentionally passed down to us through the unconsciousness of our FOOs. Let’s stop doing this to each other. You can start to create this change today.

In the following Simple Truth the “We” and the “Us” refer to present moment you and all the past versions of you that live in your memory banks, emotional system, and regulatory system.

Simple Truth: We can help ourselves by transforming our fears about our sense of self AND we can help others by conveying compassion when they get stuck in their either/ors.

Notice how your body responds to the truth that Validating your inauthentic training helps you clarify the difference between your training and the truth about you. Your imprinting within yourself that Validating your experience transforms it into an Essencey experience. You’re also reminding yourself that meeting your experience inside with defensive strategies instead of Essence keeps your insides stuck in vulnerability.

You never have to do this. Cause have-tos are either/ors. For example, I have to do this OR I’ll be a bad person. Another example, I have to do this for you OR I won’t be considered a good person. You can both/and choose-to though. I choose-to do this from my inherently good Essence qualities, which allow me to feel my inherent goodness AND others get to benefit as well. 

There is a lot of internal actions to learn to do within yourself to continue to deepen into your authenticity huh? Taking these internal actions first absolutely changes what external actions you want to take. Instead of reacting to what you don’t want in either/ors, you create what you do want in both/ands. Creating experiences you want to have from your magically delicious Essence qualities is who you are authentically. Transforming either/ors into both/ands internally is how you continue to transform your vulnerability into authenticity.

I know we’re just touching the surface of some deep and wide important issues here. My hope is that you get curious and wonder about your authenticity and the training you received compared to what’s always been true about you. If your curiosity wants to explore more, check out my book, Transform: Tune In to Turn On Your Authentic Self. 

As each of us become more Essencey, we model it for others and they remember their own Essence. This is how powerful we each are to be the change we want to see in the world. Who knew it would come from taking new and different internal actions first?!

Alright Sweet Bud Aunt JD signing off for now. I can’t wait to discover what we’re going to explore next time together.